At a Loss Over My Marriage
Dear Dr Aura,
I am not sure how I feel about my husband. We have been married for 20 years and only my husband is working as an expat so we had lived in different countries for the last 15 years.
I am 45 years old with two teenagers, a son and a daughter. They are usually busy with online school and friends. My husband is equally busy with his work and zoom meetings. Family time is only during two meals each day. I feel lonely and sad with the ongoing lockdown. I do not really have a lot of friends.
Gaming online gives me comfort and I meet men online from different countries. I have had three relationships through my gaming and my husband recently found out about my current relationship through my phone – our exchange of messages and photos.
My husband had been unfaithful twice in our marriage but I forgave him because he was not really serious about those relationships and he stopped philandering. However, I am not sure if I still love my husband. I hate him sometimes and I am often angry with him. We fight about finances and my online relationships.
I am not sure if I still want to stay in this marriage. What should I do?
Lynette (name had been changed to protect sender’s identity)
Dear Lynette,
I appreciate your honesty and I can see how confused and lonely you must be. It’s not easy to be a “trailing spouse”, trying to fit in and finding your purpose while being the one who is responsible for helping the whole family adjust to new environments.
I know you are not sure if you’d like to keep your marriage. Sometimes you doubt if you’re still in love with your husband. Those are normal thoughts and may happen at some point in even the most successful marriages. It must not stop there though, these thoughts and feelings must make you realise that something is wrong in your marriage and it has to be addressed.
I know this is easier said than done, but as a therapist I would advice you first to try to save your marriage. Before making a decision to end your marriage, you should try everything possible to make it work.
First, focus on the present issue, which seems to be your gaming and online relationships. These are symptoms of an underlying problem between you and your husband, and most probably caused by your loneliness at being overlooked and undervalued as a “trailing spouse” in your marriage. Secret gaming and online relationships in a marriage is not normal, in fact it may be considered infidelity, specially if you have been sending intimate photos and videos.
Next, to be able to solve this issue, you’ll have to get at the underlying cause. Since your husband has already discovered it, you can discuss it freely. Try to communicate with him your loneliness or sadness and get at the root of it. Do you feel neglected and unimportant in the marriage? Do you need to have more quality time together? What can you both do to solve this issue? Aside from honest and open communication, you both need to be wiling to take shared responsibility and arrive at a compromise. It should be a solution that is satisfactory to both of you, not just one partner. For example, you may agree to stop your online relationships while he agrees to spend more quality time with you. You may want to give each other a list of things you think are important in a marriage, then you can try to work on them one at a time.
There are instances when couples are unable to arrive at good communication and compromise, and this is when couples may want to see a couples therapist. The therapist may be able to help you set goals and develop the skills necessary to improve your marriage.
One last thing: try to remember what attracted you to your husband and made you decide to marry him 20 years ago. If you recall these good qualities, you may find enough motivation to try everything you can to save your marriage.
Dr. Aura
