Afraid to be Alone in Life
Dear Dr Aura,
I am 28 years old and a freelance writer who lives with my mom and a brother in Manila. My mom is a high-ranking government official and as you may have guessed, I am financially dependent on her.
My father died through a car accident when I was 10 years old. I was not close to him as he had always been busy with businesses and we did not get to spend a lot of time together. But for some reasons, I keep remembering my dad.
I am bisexual, active in LGBT causes and I have many friends. I date both men and women, but I prefer to date men. I have never had a steady romantic relationship.
The rising COVID19 infections in the Philippines worries me, my future, and my career prospects. I am trying to finish writing a book while on lockdown and talking to publishers in the hope of publishing it.
I feel tired all the time even after a night’s sleep. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about worries and how I may end up spending the rest of my life alone. However, I do not want to have a relationship with anyone. What should I do?
Rommel (name had been changed to protect sender’s identity)
Dear Rommel,
I can tell by your letter how hard this is for you, and I want you to know you are doing the right thing by reaching out for help. There may be significant areas in your life that may be too difficult to confront right now, especially during this time of COVID 19 when everything is uncertain.
First I would like to encourage you to keep pushing yourself to finish the book you are writing and continue talking to editors and publishers. You may find that quarantine is an opportune time to finish projects that you have been putting off. You will have more quiet and alone time that will be conducive to your writing.
I would also encourage you to keep a healthy and balanced routine which includes a healthy diet, time for exercise, time for your writing, connecting with friends and family and time for doing something that you would love to do for yourself. This might be easier said than done, but with conscious effort you will come up with a good balance.
Give yourself time, you may want to write down your daily schedule as a guide, without having to follow it obsessively. The daily balanced routine will be beneficial to your emotional health, as well as help you become more productive with your writing. This writing project may then lead you to more promising career developments and may be a significant step towards independence.
About your significant concern regarding relationships, I sense that you are longing for emotional intimacy but you seem afraid of treading on issues that are sensitive to people around you, your family and friends. If you say you are bisexual but honestly admit that you prefer to date men, are you being true to yourself? Is there a path that you would like to try but are afraid of taking a chance with? What do you think is holding you back from admitting your preferences to yourself and to others and pursuing your natural tendencies? If you want a long-term intimate relationship, what is really stopping you? Does it have something to do with your being dependent on your mother and living in her home? Are you concerned about what other people will say or think about you?
I know this is raising more questions than you may have wanted. If you feel like it, please send me back a reply to the questions I posed above, and we can continue our “sessions” in our next letters. For now, I would like you to know that it is okay to be true to yourself. It is alright to feel afraid; but now you are taking significant steps towards self-realisations and this is a good start. You are stronger than you think, and you are not alone. There are many inspiring people before you who have had to deal with the same questions. In the end they came out victorious and free to express their true selves. Ultimately this is what we hope for you.
Sincerely,
Dr Aura
